The First Feedback Filter

First published 2017. Newly relevant as I put out my positive experiences with augmented coding. Lots of feedback that really has nothing to do with me & everything to do with the fears of the gifter of feedback.

Tweet followup, from back when I tweeted:

My First Feedback Filter asks, "What of this is about me and what is about the giver of the feedback?" This tactic, once I finally learned it (remind me to tell you about Willie Nelson some time), has allowed me to speak out in public and feel safe doing so. Until I learned it I was putting my mood under the control of any random person walking by.

I struggle to apply feedback sorting when I receive emotionally charged feedback. It can take me an hour of walking and talking myself down (physical exercise helps) before I can effectively sort. At my best, though, I do it in near-real-time so I can receive feedback as part of an ongoing conversation.

The other day I received strong criticism at work. A day of reflection revealed that I only ever received criticism from the source. I realized there is a special case of the First Feedback Filter: in the absence of mitigating factors, I can dismiss criticism from a consistently-critical source.

Here's my thinking. I know that sometimes I deserve praise and sometimes I deserve criticism. If someone only criticizes me, they are per definition either not seeing the whole picture or are choosing not express both sides. Trying to wade through their biases to find useful information that may or may not be present is unlikely to be valuable. The same argument goes for praise, which is unfortunate because praise feels better. Ah, well.

Responses

Liz Keogh's response was that we are biased towards seeing things that go wrong. Therefore, if someone notices something going right there is more information value in praise. I agree in general, but I am talking about the special case where someone only gives praise or blame.

Dan North presented his approach of specific encouragement. If Dan North wants to consistently encourage me to improve, I will listen to him every time. I was talking about the more common "you rock/suck" comments.

Other responses focused on our tendency as a receiver of criticism to become defensive and our tendency as a receiver of praise to feel good. Without becoming aware of my reactions, these are indeed my responses. I find it useful to inject a moment of logic into my emotional reactions. Whether I feel good or bad, if I can take a moment and consider the source, I am more likely to produce a response I'm satisfied with over the long run.

Practice

The First Feedback Filter was survival when Extreme Programming came out. “Oh you saved my career!” “Oh you got me fired & my spouse divorced me & my dog ran away & it’s all your fault!” How did I slowly. lurchingly learn to use the First Feedback Filter?

• Take time replying. There’s small upside in replying instantly (however good it feels) & big upside [ed: see also Thinkie Upside, Downside].

• Take a walk. Once that brain juice starts flowing, pleasant or unpleasant, it takes hours, even days, before it dials back to where you are thinking on both feet. Exercise accelerates the process.

• Restate. If you want to engage with the feedback, restate it without all the emotionally charged words. Bullet points carry less emotional charge—use that for good.

Eventually I got to where I could apply the FFF in near-real time. I still have cases where I have to take a walk before responding (or not responding) in ways I don’t regret, but that’s way better than I used to do.

Could your team use a talk from me, customized to your particular needs? Recent topics: Forest & Desert, Augmented Coding, Software Design, Genies & XP.

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