Happy almost New Year, N2K reader!

We’ll be back on Friday — next year! — with your chance to vote on this week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ about how your AI companion is not your friend. I believe you — yes, you, dear reader! — can craft an incredible haiku on the subject. Send me your entry — to our spiffy new email address, haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday for consideration by your Cheddar peers!

But first…

—Matt Davis, Need2Know Chedditor

P.S. Don’t get too drunk tonight…and call your mom! (*If she’s, you know…around.)

News You Need2Know

What’s the stock market up to, eh?

$SPX ( ▼ 0.14% )   $DJI ( ▼ 0.2% )   $NDX ( ▼ 0.24% )

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

$COST ( ▼ 0.25% ) $UPS ( ▼ 0.04% )   $FDX ( ▼ 0.63% )   $D ( ▼ 0.32% )   $ADBE ( ▼ 0.18% )   $AVY ( ▲ 0.28% )   $SFTBY ( ▼ 0.75% )   $GM ( ▼ 0.72% )   $TSLA ( ▼ 1.13% )   $F ( ▼ 0.38% )  

10 things to be excited for in 2026

Some of these things are real. Some of them are the products of my over-exuberant imagination, then again, nobody can predict the future. Can you tell which are which?

1. Mourning the tragedy of 17% stock returns — I am truly devastated for American investors who only saw their portfolios jump 17% this year. In a totally hypothetical 23 years’ time, when I do happen to think I might be able to finally stop working, a very hypothetical $500,000 stock portfolio will be worth $18 million at that rate of annual return. My heart bleeds for those trailing behind the international markets that surged 29% (which, annualized, would send the same portfolio to $174 million over the same period). I think this means we should all spend 2026 in a state of constant terror because obviously the bubble is going to burst any minute. Isn’t it? 

2. Panicking over historically low unemployment — I cannot wait for more headlines about the softer labor market. It is indeed terrifying that unemployment is sitting at 4.6%, a number that is technically lower than it has been in 69% of the months dating back to 1948. Clearly, the sky is falling even if the data suggests the economy is awfully adaptable.

3. The CIA conducting a covert war in Venezuela — There is nothing like a casual announcement of a CIA drone strike inside Venezuela while eating steak at Mar-a-Lago to keep life spicy. I am excited to see what other international incidents get revealed between the president’s appetizer and main course in 2026.

4. Beyoncé's ongoing quest for financial security — It is a banner year for the musicians on the billionaires list now that Beyoncé has finally joined the likes of her husband, Jay-Z, and other luminaries like Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Paul McCartney, Dr. Dre, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, and Bono. How do they all stay so humble?

5. The "AI-Symmetry" productivity paradox — In 2026, corporate efficiency will reach a paradoxical peak: 95% of all emails will be written by AI, and 95% of those emails will be summarized by AI for the recipient. For the first time in history, human beings will be entirely removed from the communication loop, yet somehow everyone will still be in meetings all day to discuss why no one is reading their emails. Then obviously we’ll all get laid off and need to eat pigeons.

6. The great fintech "re-banking" — After years of promising to "disrupt" the archaic banking system, the last remaining Neo-Bank will finally achieve its final evolutionary form: it will merge with a 150-year-old traditional bank, re-introduce monthly maintenance fees, and launch a revolutionary "paper check" feature. Investors will hail this as a breakthrough in "tangible asset-backed communication."

7. The pivot to "Ancestral Intelligence" — With Large Language Models having consumed every scrap of data on the public internet, AI companies will run out of "clean" data. In a desperate bid for growth, a major tech giant will launch Ancestral Intelligence (AnI)—a service that uses spiritual mediums to "scrape" the unrecorded conversations of the 14th-century peasantry. The company’s valuation will be a modest $1 trillion.

8. Economy space tourism — Following the success of billionaire orbital flights, 2026 will see the launch of "Orion Basic Economy." For a mere $50,000, you can be strapped into a pressurized cargo net in the back of a reusable rocket. There are no windows, no oxygen upgrades, and you have to pay $40 for a carry-on bag. Where you’re going, though, trust me: You won’t need it.

9. The rise of "analog-baiting" — In a final revolt against the digital age, the hottest "tech" startup of 2026 will be a company that sells a $1,200 block of wood called “The Un-Phone.” It has no screen, no battery, and no connectivity. Silicon Valley VCs will engage in a bidding war to fund it, calling it "the ultimate disruption of the attention economy," while ignoring the fact that it is literally just a piece of lumber.

10. The World Cup. The Winter Olympics. The 250th Anniversary of the United States. Vive la revolucion! Etcetera.

There is so much to live for!

Song of the Day: Busta Rhymes, Kendrick Lamar, ‘Look Over Your Shoulder’

Credit to the guy in the Costco $COST ( ▼ 0.25% ) parking lot who was listening to this amazing song loud enough in his car last week that I could use the Shazam app to figure out what it was. (Caution: There’s some quite heavy swearing including the n-word but also some amazing Michael Jackson samples and it’s also a thing called “rapping,” so I’ve warned you of the likely content, I feel. I also feel: It’s amazing!)

What are the markets really saying as the year ends?

EquitySet CEO Tony Zipparo offered a cautious and contrarian perspective on the market as the year concludes, particularly after the S&P 500 logged a third consecutive year of double-digit gains — a feat he "absolutely had not" expected, admitting he was "way wrong on the mark