If Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee went badly this week, her encore performance before the House Judiciary Committee yesterday was even worse. Noem repeatedly declined to deny her widely-reported sexual relationship with her shadow chief of staff Corey Lewandowski, twisting into all sorts of remarkable rhetorical shapes to avoid uttering the word “no” while under oath.

“I am shocked that we’re going down and peddling tabloid garbage in this committee today,” Noem told Rep. Sydney Kamlager-Dove (D-Calif.), who pushed back: “You should be able to answer if someone asks if you or any federal official is sleeping with their subordinate. It’s the easiest—you should be wanting to answer that question.”

“I think the ridiculousness of this and the tabloids that you are quoting and referencing are insane,” Noem said later. “You say conservative women are stupid or sluts. I am neither.”

This morning, Punchbowl News reported that Trump has started asking congressional Republicans whether he ought to fire Noem. Happy Thursday.

Reading Trump’s Mind

by William Kristol

I did it. Goddamn it, only I could have done it. I killed that Ayatollah! We’ve hated that guy forever. And I was the one who took him out.

Oh, and I also destroyed Iran’s navy (who knew they even had one?). And I turned their nuclear program into rubble. And I’m wiping out their missiles. Yesterday I said that on a scale of 10, I rate this war a 15. Let’s be honest: I rate myself a 15. If only Melania felt the same way.

You know, I think I got that expression about a scale of 10 from Jeff. He But sometimes he would say, ‘That one was a 15.’ Man, those were the days . . .

Anyway, speaking of Jeff, our mutual friend Bill Clinton once said something I remember: To go down in history as a great president, you need to win a war. And, folks, I’m winning a war. Bigly.

But to win the war you’ve also got to end the war. And it’s getting to be time to end this, to pull the plug. Because it could all go south.

Lots of warning signs out there. Publicly, I pretend not to see them. But I see ‘em. American casualties. Gas prices going up. Scott’s worried about the economy if that Strait of Whatever stays closed.

And the whole thing could get out of control. Those lunatics at the CIA are messing around with the Kurds. Tulsi! Tulsi should have gotten the spooks under control. Anyway, I’m not listening to them.

And I’m not listening to Pete, either. He loves the war because it lets him talk tough. I saw him saying yesterday that “we’re just getting started” and that there’s gonna be a lot more death and destruction. I’m OK with the death and destruction part. But “we’re just getting started”? Jesus. He’s an idiot.

You gotta quit while you’re ahead!

It’s like those casinos I used to own. We made the most money off the people who thought they were on a hot streak and kept on betting. Eventually they lost it all. They didn’t get up from the table and cash their winnings.

Eventually I lost it all, too—those casinos went belly-up. But I learned that you gotta leave the table before you lose your money. So I’m cashing out.

I saw Comer, that guy from Kentucky, on TV. They asked him about boots on the ground. And he said, “Sometimes that’s unavoidable in a situation like this.” Well, you know what? I’m avoiding getting into “a situation like this.” I’m not getting sucked in like Bush.

Or LBJ.

It’s funny, I remember when I first met Roy (God, I miss him!). It was 1973. Vietnam had just ended. I asked him what he’d thought about the whole thing. I figured he’d be right-wing and pro-war, that he’d go on about hating the hippies and draft dodgers.

He did hate the hippies. But he surprised me. He said he would have taken the advice of some senator—I don’t remember his name—a Republican from Vermont of all places. This guy said, way back in 1966 or something, that LBJ should declare victory and get out. Roy told me he thought that was right, that’s what Johnson should have done.

So I’m declaring victory. I’ll get Caine to tell me that our mission’s been accomplished. “Mission Accomplished.” Ha, maybe we’ll try a different bit of branding than that dummy Bush. Then again, Bush’s mistake wasn’t saying that. It was saying it and then letting us get stuck there. He should have said “Mission Accomplished!” and gotten out. The place would have been a mess, but who cares? Not Americans. They have short attention spans.

Iran is going to be a mess, too. It would be easier if there were someone to just put in charge like in Venezuela. But I guess we killed all of them. So we just say it’s their mess, let them deal with it. No endless wars!

Gotta talk to Susie and Karoline about how to roll this out. Maybe a speech from the Oval Office Sunday night. Or maybe at a military base, with troops cheering behind me. A few more days of death and destruction. Then the surprise announcement. Prime time! The media will be impressed.

And the follow-up message for Fox and everyone else we control is simple: “This president knows how to fight wars. He knows how to win wars. And he knows how to end wars.” JD can come out of hiding and go on the shows and say this nonstop.

You know that lefty historian the libs all like? Dan showed me her latest newsletter. She quoted me saying to that ridiculous “Board of Peace” we invented, “We’ve done the biggest thing of all. We have peace in the Middle East right now.” She thought she was showing me up since we’re at war. But it’ll be the opposite. I’ll say I did what I had to do. I fought and won the war. And now we’re back at peace.

It will be the best of both worlds! And only I could have done it!

The Negative-Space War

by Andrew Egger

Owning the libs, crushing wokeness, tearing down “elites”—the MAGA movement h