Welcome back to another week in America. We’re having a premium subscriber Zoom today at noon with me, Mene Ukueberuwa, Will Rahn, and Suzy Weiss—chatting all things Free Press, Middle East, and anything else. Please fill out this form to ask your question. I’ll be available only for compliments and apologies, but do your worst to the other three.

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Now, to the news.

→ Trump at war: We’re officially bombing Iran. And Iran is bombing, well, everyone they can. They’ve reportedly lobbed missiles, drones, and deck chairs at the United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Iraq, Azerbaijan, and Turkey as well as Israel, its number-one bombing love. But it’s been a pretty dismal showing. We’re very much and clearly winning. Like, really, really easily. Here’s Trump on the war timeline: “We also projected four weeks to terminate the military leadership, and as you know, that was done in about an hour so we’re ahead of schedule there.” And here’s Trump on who should become Iran’s new leader: “Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead. . . we had some in mind from that group that is dead. And now we have another group. They may be dead also, based on reports.” And they should stop picking one among themselves: “They are wasting their time. Khamenei’s son is a lightweight. I have to be involved in the appointment, like with Delcy [Rodríguez] in Venezuela.” It will be done in ancestral Trump fashion, via swimsuit competition in an indoor/outdoor pavilion at a resort. In other war news, a U.S. submarine sank an enemy ship by torpedo for the first time since World War II. Welcome back to water warfare, baby! There’s unbelievable footage of a fighter pilot shot down over Kuwait, in a bright and cheery mood as locals approach her there in that dust bowl. They thank her for what she’s doing, and offer her help (thank goodness she didn’t land in Minneapolis).

For anyone shocked that Trump “the Dove” would bomb Iran, it’s helpful to remember that federal investigators discovered two alleged Iranian-backed Trumpo assassination attempts, so of the Ayatollah, Trump said: “I got him before he got me. They tried twice. Well, I got him first.” He also, if you’ll recall, kept talking about how he’d bomb Iran when he was campaigning. That might explain why J.D. Vance and Tulsi Gabbard have been sidelined to their own special war room, where I assume The Hurt Locker is playing on a loop so they feel like they’re in on the action. They’re the future of the GOP, but the Boomers have to retire first, and we all know Boomers don’t retire. Boomers only die. Clutching their scepters. So, for now, for one last war, it’s a little picnic table for those cuties to sit around. Well, it’s the Situation Room. But honey, this is Mar-a-Lago’s war...