Welcome to Tough Love with Abigail Shrier! Since she began writing this advice column, Abigail has written several letters to the women we honor on Mother’s Day: those who undertake the endlessly challenging project that is motherhood. She’s written to a mom who didn’t want her 22-year-old daughter to get married; a mom who wanted to say to her daughter: “I’m worried about your weight”; and a mom whose 7-year-old has a friend who said he doesn’t like Jews. Today, she’s writing to a stepmom who wants to know: “Can I tell my stepdaughter that her mom is a bitch?” In her reply, she reminds us all of the bond between mother and child.

Dear Abigail,

Can I tell my stepdaughter that her mom is a bitch?

Three years ago, I fell in love with an amazing guy and his delightful 10-year-old daughter. I never had any kids of my own, and I had thought that ship had sailed, so I feel so incredibly lucky to have this wonderful little family in my life. I also know how lucky I am that his co-parenting relationship is relatively drama-free. In fact, for the first couple of years, his ex was barely in the picture.

Technically, my partner and his ex share custody 50-50. In practice, though, he has been the primary parent, taking care of all the practical parenting stuff—from doctors’ appointments to teacher conferences—while his ex was out “finding herself” on his dime. Her much-younger boyfriend didn’t like kids, so she often only saw her daughter a couple of days a week, and spent her weekends basically pretending that she didn’t have one.

Now, she has a different boyfriend, who apparently likes kids, so suddenly she wants to spend more time with her daughter. Obviously, we understand and appreciate that a kid needs her mom, but it’s really hard on my partner that Mom now gets to be the “fun” parent.

At Mom’s house, his daughter never has to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Mom doesn’t make her do her homework. Mom doesn’t make her practice her flute. Mom doesn’t make her take a shower. Of course my partner’s daughter wants to make up for lost time with Mom, but it’s painful watching him have to hear about how much better everything is at Mom’s house.

His daughter has no idea why she spent more time with dad in the beginning. She doesn’t know her mom didn’t WANT to take her when she walked out on their family. She doesn’t know her mom cheated on her dad, broke his heart, and then took him for every penny he had. Nor should she. I’m pretty sure it’s better that she doesn’t know any of this. Isn’t it?

But I’ve gotta tell you, sometimes I’m nearly biting my tongue off to not tell her all of this. I wish I could tell her the reason her mom can take her skiing and horseback riding and on trips to the Bahamas: Dad pays for all of it.

Abigail, please talk me down off this ledge before I say something I’ll regret, something I’m pretty sure won’t actually help anything, but will just stir up a bunch of drama where it need not be.

Thanks,
Phoebe, 52

Phoebe,

For years, I had doubts about the King Solomon story—the one where two women fight over the maternity of a baby. Was it credible that any woman could claim to love a child and then, in the next breath, cheer Solomon’s solution—that he slice the child in two?

And then along you come, Phoebe, claiming to love this little girl, willing to see her torn apart. If I hadn’t received other letters of a similar vein, I would not have believed someone who professes to care for a child could ask: “Can I tell my stepdaughter that her mom is a bitch?”

The fact is, Phoebe, you are in ample if not precisely good company. When it comes to children, adult loyalties, jealousies, and desires lead to gruesome moral blindness. Often, as in the King Solomon story, such sightlessness afflicts those who prioritize their own grievances at a child’s expense, as any divorce lawyer will attest...