LAST WEEK'S BREAKTHROUGHS

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to stop assuming people know how you feel and just tell them.

Lauren said the thing she'd been dodging for months:

“I'm in a newer relationship, and we've started talking about what moving in together could eventually look like. There's one conversation I've been dreading. I have a lot of student loan debt from graduate school. I'm also a business owner who has spent the last four years building a business from the ground up. I have a financial advisor. I have a plan. But none of that changes the shame I feel when I look at the number.

My boyfriend has asked me what the number is a few times, and every time, I shut down. Eventually I realized I wasn't actually afraid to tell him the number. I was afraid of what might happen after I said it — that he'd judge me, or feel entitled to micromanage how I spend my money.

So instead of continuing to dodge the question, I finally sat down with him and said: 'I'm willing to tell you everything, but before I do, I need to tell you what I need from you in this conversation. You can listen. You can ask questions. But I don't want you trying to solve this for me today. I just need to know that I can tell you hard things without being judged.'

Then I told him the number and the plan.

He hugged me. He thanked me for telling him. Then he said he was sorry other people had made me feel ashamed of it. And then he said something I wasn't prepared for:

'This isn't just your problem anymore. It's our problem.'

I'm learning that sometimes you have to say the thing before you can say the thing: Here's what I'm afraid of. Here's what I need from you. Here's what would make this conversation feel safe. And then you say the actual thing.

With the right partner, the things I'm most afraid to say usually feel a whole lot better said than avoided.”

Another reader said the thing and it cost her a 7-year friendship:

“I said the thing this summer - and it ended a 7-year friendship. But was it really a friendship if my friend wasn't willing to take ownership of how she had started treating me, and commit to remedying it?

The most important thing was, despite how awkward and difficult the conversation was, and how sad I am about the loss, I'm so proud that for once, I didn't abandon myself. It was expensive, but worth the cost.”

Nicky spent 11 years not saying the thing. Now she does:

“I've been working pretty hard to find my voice in my new relationship. We've been together a year and my previous 11 year relationship/marriage taught me so many hard lessons about what not to do in a relationship. That only ended in January 2025, so it's been a fair amount of fresh learning for me and my nervous system. I just wanted my new relationship to work and not make the same old mistakes.

With my new man, I have a fear of telling him my feelings sometimes, not because of him, but because of my past. So pushing myself through the agony of my brain anxiously anticipating a bad response, has been challenging, but absolutely worth it.

He responds really well, listens properly, he owns his mistakes and isn't afraid of accountability at all. He adjusts his behaviour and often shows a lot of gratitude for me sharing the feelings with him because he otherwise wouldn't have known I felt that way.

One of those hard lessons I learnt was: ‘don't assume someone knows how you feel, then get all pissy at them for behaving in a way that didn't acknowledge your feelings. They can't respond to something they don't know about.’ - Previously I'd get frustrated and slowly resentment builds under the surface because I expected them to know something, when really it was all inside of me, and a mystery to them.

So, to quote a great green ogre, Shrek ~ ‘better out than in, that's what I always say!’

It's not easy but it's worth it for the amazing new life I'm building, one where my partner knows what I'm feeling and responds well.”

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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