Ireland seek to pull off ultimate heist in billionaire’s back yard

On more than one occasion while speaking to the press on Wednesday, John O’Shea stressed the need for “a more Irish performance” when the international side he helps coach take on Portugal in Lisbon on Saturday. Considering the Republic of Ireland have been utterly hopeless in recent failed campaigns to make major tournaments, and currently sit bottom of their Geopolitics World Cup qualifying group, cynics might say that what is actually required against CR7 and chums is a less Irish performance. But if “Sheasy” thinks slathering the troops with Kerrygold, sending them out on to the pitch waving knobbly sticks and ordering them to Riverdance through the national anthem might help keep the score down, then Football Daily is wholeheartedly in favour of the idea.

To be fair to O’Shea, he went on to specify that he and head coach Heimir Hallgrímsson want to see the kind of leadership, unity, resilience and fight that were conspicuous by their absence when their team folded like a deckchair against Armenia in Yerevan last month, even if Ireland’s players might have been better served demonstrating such qualities against a team they were largely expected to beat. One of those defeats that few saw coming but also wasn’t much of a surprise, Ireland’s beating by Armenia was notable for a couple of high-profile and costly errors by a couple of the team’s more experienced Premier League defenders. Putting on a more Irish performance, then, might prove a tall order, given their weird propensity to wilt in the face of the mildest pressure upon being asked to wear a green shirt.

“We all know that we’ve let people down, let ourselves down,” sniffed the Irish midfielder Finn Azaz of that Armenian aberration. “Now it’s just a case of looking towards the next two games to put it right and that’s the feeling right now, there is an anger there to put things right. We know it wasn’t good enough and we’re feeling we can really make a statement and put it right.” While such platitudinous pre-match talk is cheap, anything other than a comfortable Portugal win at the weekend will be a big shock. In the extremely unlikely event that Ireland can do the unthinkable and take a point – or heaven forbid, all three – in Lisbon, it would not so much be a statement as an audacious heist.

In Portugal, Ireland will face a team boasting no shortage of superstars, likely to be skippered by the man revealed to have become the sport’s first billionaire player. According to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, Cristiano Ronaldo’s net worth has been estimated at £1.05bn (roughly 47 Evan Fergusons) but despite the relative comfort such a sum would bring him in his dotage, the 40-year-old striker has no plans to retire. “I still have a passion for this,” he tooted at the Portugal Football Globes ceremony. “My family says it’s time to quit, and they ask me why I want to score 1,000 goals if I’ve already scored 900-something. But I don’t think that way inside.” With just 54 goals of the “something” required until he hits his personal millennium milestone and Ireland’s porous and gaffe-prone defence coming to town, it’s small wonder he plans to carry on.

Join Scott Murray from 7.45pm BST for hot minute-by-minute coverage of England 2-1 Wales in their international friendly.

“I didn’t know she was there. I’ve heard the name and I’m sure if you played me a couple of her songs I’d say: ‘I recognise that one.’ But I couldn’t name you one of her songs. That’s no disrespect to Katy but I’m from a different generation … And she wouldn’t recognise me” – as they prepare to tackle Greece, even close proximity to Katy Perry at a Glasgow hotel cannot divert Steve Clarke’s attention from Scotland’s Geopolitics World Cup dream. Or is it a teenage one?

Nice to see Nolberto Solano popping up, talking about copying Klopp’s heavy metal football (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). The lad was the original salsa footballer, even starting The Geordie Latinos band while at Newcastle. I think his effort would be like trying to play AC/DC with maracas – stylish, but the mosh pit might start clapping in time” – Sean Coffey.

I would really like to criticise this Big Website piece for not making the effort to list how many managers Watford have got through since the Pozzos took over. But even I, someone who constantly monitors the revolving door that is UK construction minister (and, in case you’re interested, it’s now 10 construction ministers in five years, 16 in 10 and 24 in the last 20) cannot be bothered to track Watford managers anymore” – Noble Francis.

Re: yesterday’s Football Daily letters. I completed a Level 1 FA coaching course in the days of Charles Hughes (there were only three levels back then, kids), and the justification for lumping it down the full-back’s throat from kick-off was that if they were any good at heading the ball then they would be a centre-half. So, at the very least, you would probably win a throw in the opposition’s half. I am amazed that almost all top, top teams persist with this tactic while tippy-tapping the ball around their own penalty area in every other scenario” – John Meara.

Re: football lavatory stories (yesterday’s letters). Eighteen years ago I flew from Lisbon to Zurich, one of the few times I’ve flown business. Somewhere over Spain I got up to go to the toilet. I waited casually about 30cm from the door, as you do on a plane. Suddenly it opened and a slightly ruffled bald man unfurled himself. I stared right at him, unable to utter a word or hide my astonishment, thinking ‘Effing hell, Gene Hackman!’, only to be quickly pushed past by the man, who muttered something in Portuguese. It was Big Phil Scolari. He’s not that tall” – Rob Knap.

Here’s one that nearly happened. In 1985 I was a 15 year-old Villa fan, looking forward to a fourth-round League Cup replay against West Brom after an ill-tempered 2-2 draw at Villa Park. My dad was worried we wouldn’t get in (ah, the days you could queue for an hour in the rain then get turned away as the game kicked off). As a precaution the night before, my dad took me to the Hawthorns and hammered a series of nine-inch nails into the wall at the away end, forming a ladder of sorts into the ground. We then practiced climbing said ‘ladder’, hopping over the wall and dropping into the urinals on the other side. Nice. Entry assured. Sadly, we got in with tickets, rather spoiling the story. I’m happy to change the ending if I win a mug” – Tony Davies.

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our letter o’ the day prize is … Tony Davies, who gets some Football Weekly merch. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we have them, are here.

Great news for Manchester United fans. Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe will give Ruben Amorim time. And plenty of it. “Ruben needs to demonstrate he is a great coach over three years,” roared BSJ during a business podcast interview. United playing like a drain, sat in mid-table despite four new players coming in for north of £200m while offcuts like Scott McTominay, Rasmus Højlund and, at the weekend for Chelsea, Alejandro Garnacho, play like the reincarnation of Brazil ‘70 once released from the chainmail-heavy red jersey, that’s all part of a process, see. The problem, as ever, is His Majesty’s press corps and their ravenous chase for attention-seeking hot takes like last season being United’s worst since relegation in 1974: “The press, sometimes I don’t understand. They want overnight success. They think it’s a light switch. You can’t run a club like Manchester United on kneejerk reactions to some journalist who goes off on one every week.” Big Sir Jim also defended his cost-cutting measures. “I got a lot of flak for the free lunches, but no one’s ever given me a free lunch,” wailed the Monaco-based tax exile.

Togo international Samuel Asamoah has broken his neck after colliding with a pitch-side advertising board during a domestic game for Guangxi Pingguo in China, with fears he may be left paralysed.

A friendly between Argentina and Puerto Rico, scheduled for the weekend in Chicago, has been relocated to Florida amid the immigration crackdown in the city, and will be played in Inter Miami’s ground in Fort Lauderdale.

Indonesia coach Patrick Kluivert has got the funk on with his team’s profligacy in front of goal, having gone down to a damaging 3-2 World Cup qualifying defeat in Saudi Arabia. “Sometimes I punch myself in the face and it’s a pity that that’s something we can’t train properly,” he fumed.

An Englishman loves an underdog so Thomas Tuchel, an actual German, has a cunning plan to land success at the Air Miles World Cup: behave like England are an underdog. “I don’t see why we should burden ourselves that we are the big favourites,” he roared, dishing out some realpolitik. “When did we last win it? Let’s go step by step.”

Wales are at Wembley, but manager Craig Bellamy doesn’t plan to take in any of the sights. “We’re not here as tourists, to enjoy the occasion, we’re here to be the best version of ourselves,” he cooed before rejecting any plans to park the tour bus. “I honestly believe if you play this England team and defend deep, you’ll die a slow death. And I’m not into that.”

“Maya Le Tissier” will be the answer to future quiz questions about the identity of Manchester United’s first goalscorer in the main Women’s Bigger Cup draw, her penalty enough to defeat Norway’s Vålerenga. And it took another penalty, from Sandy Baltimore, to spare Chelsea’s blushes