This week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ is about how New York City’s super-rich are complaining about Zohran Mamdami’s tax on second homes, saying the mayor’s proposed levy is “demonizing philanthropists.” Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

And now, news!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

What’s the stock market up to, eh?*

$SPX ( ▼ 0.24% )   $DJI ( ▼ 0.01% )   $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

$CUK ( ▼ 0.58% )   $NCLH ( ▼ 3.48% )   $UAL ( ▼ 2.84% )   $TSLA ( ▼ 2.03% )   $LUV ( ▼ 2.06% )   $BX ( ▼ 0.07% )   $AAL ( ▼ 4.23% )   $PG ( ▼ 1.66% )   $DRAFT ( 0.0% )  

Wall Street's peace rally interrupted by ongoing war

Oil prices rose again on Monday and global stocks fell slightly as investors worry about the prospects for a speedy end to the war in the Middle East. The Strait of Hormuz remains largely closed following the U.S. seizure of an Iranian cargo ship over the weekend, halting vital global exports and giving rise to sneaky suspicions that the war may not be quite as over as all that.

Brent crude spiked to around $95 a barrel — roughly $8 above Friday’s lows. Domestically, U.S. gas prices are averaging $4.04 a gallon, and Energy Secretary Chris Wright warned they may not drop below prewar $3 levels until next year.

U.S. stocks also took a noticeable hit after setting new records on Friday, with specific companies feeling the ripple effects. Norwegian Cruise Line Holdings $NCLH ( ▼ 3.48% ) dropped 4.3%, and Carnival $CUK ( ▼ 0.58% ) lost 1.4%.

Investors are now bracing for key upcoming earnings reports from major players like United Airlines $UAL ( ▼ 2.84% ) , Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 2.03% ) , Southwest Airlines $LUV ( ▼ 2.06% ) , Blackstone $BX ( ▼ 0.07% ) , American Airlines $AAL ( ▼ 4.23% ) , and Procter & Gamble  $PG ( ▼ 1.66% ) to gauge the broader market's durability.

Quote of the Day

The Onion’s new plan to take over Infowars

After a bankruptcy court scuttled its initial purchase attempt, the satirical news outlet The Onion has re-emerged with a fresh strategy to take over Alex Jones's right-wing conspiracy site, Infowars. The new plan involves The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron, paying $81,000 a month to license the site and its intellectual property from a court-appointed manager, pending a Texas judge's approval.

The ultimate goal is to turn the notorious platform into a parody of itself. Comedian Tim Heidecker, tapped as the site's new “creative director," plans to mock Jones’s “whole modus operandi.” “I just thought it would be just a beautiful joke if we could take this pretty toxic, negative, destructive force of Infowars and rebrand it as this beautiful place for our creativity,” Heidecker told the New York Times.

For the families of the Sandy Hook shooting victims, who won a massive defamation verdict against Jones, this deal represents justice and a path forward. Chris Mattei, a lawyer representing the families, explained that their objective "has always been to prevent Alex Jones from being able to cause harm at scale." Mattei noted that "satire and humor can be universal," adding that if the comedy site can successfully reach Jones's former audience "and help bring them out of the dark, that would be wonderful.”

Meanwhile, The Onion plans to sell merchandise on the platform to raise money for the victims' families. Onion CEO Ben Collins summarized the media company's unique approach: “We are excited to lie constantly for cold, hard cash, but this time in a cool way, and we’ll make sure some of it gets back to the families.”

Businesses avoid breath-holding as administration starts giving back tariffs

Following a major Supreme Court defeat, the Trump administration has officially begun accepting requests to refund over $166 billion in illegal tariffs, plus accrued interest. On Monday, a new government system called “CAPE” launched to help hundreds of thousands of importers recover their money.

While the government estimates a 60-to-90-day turnaround for payouts, impacted businesses remain highly skeptical. Melkon Khosrovian, co-founder of Greenbar Distillery, told the New York Times, "We’re thinking we might get it back, we might not get it back," adding that "It feels like a very opaque process." Cassie Abel, CEO of Wild Rye, told the paper, "I wouldn’t say I’m at all optimistic that they are going to come in a timely manner."

Still, it’s the thought that counts, surely?

Song of the Day: Josiah and the Bonnevilles, ‘Going Gone’