LAST WEEK'S BREAKTHROUGHS

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to let go of one thing you’ve been refusing to give up on.

Our first reader let go after 13 years:

“The thing I’ve absolutely been refusing to give up on is my marriage. We’ve been together for 13 years but I can’t recall when either of us was genuinely happy or satisfied in our relationship—we do love each other but there’s been a lot of toxic and unhealthy things we’ve each done to the other—we’re both to blame.

About three years ago everything boiled over and after a lot of fighting we decided we were going to really knuckle down and fight for our relationship. We went all in on every conceivable relationship resource—counselors, therapists, retreats out of town, the whole nine yards. After three years of committing every free moment of time, energy, or thought to repairing and rebuilding our relationship, I realized it wasn’t going to work.

I KNEW this three years ago, but love, pride, fear, shame, and every other messy emotion refused to let me take the leap I knew was necessary. I didn’t want to feel like a failure, and I didn’t want my wife to feel like I failed more than I already had.

So I let go. And it’s been the most devastating and painful thing imaginable, but it was also full of enormous relief and felt like letting out a giant breath I’ve been holding in for years. When my wife and I finally spoke about it honestly, we both agreed it was time. Despite all the pain and terror and guilt and shame, there’s a sense of hope and promise for something that feels right. I feel like this will lead us both to something that doesn’t take so much and give back so little. And I’m reminded that a life lived without hope is a life wasted—I refuse to waste any more of my life.”

Max is rethinking his entire life:

“Your question really hit me. What am I still holding on to, even though I have known for a long time that it no longer works?

My wife and I have been living inside this question for almost two years now—pretty much since the birth of our second son.

Shortly before he was born, we bought a piece of land. We are currently building a house there. On paper, it looks like the responsible, adult, sensible thing to do. A home. Stability. Roots. A future for our family.

But somewhere during the building process, we realized something very uncomfortable: We don’t actually want this house. We don’t really want to live there. And maybe, if we are completely honest, we don’t want the life that comes with it.

That realization has created a kind of storm in our lives. Because once we admitted that truth, other truths started to appear as well.

We know that something has to be let go.

Maybe the house.
Maybe the place.
Maybe the idea of security we once had.
Maybe the version of ourselves that tried so hard to build a ‘normal’ life.

But knowing this and actually doing it are two very different things.

Because the practical consequences are huge. Selling the house. Moving somewhere else. Maybe leaving the country. Rethinking work. Rethinking education. Rethinking community. Rethinking almost everything.

So I think the thing I may still be holding on to is not just a house. It is the old promise that if we do everything ‘right,’ life will finally feel safe.

But maybe life is asking something else from us now.

Thank you for asking a question that went straight to the place where I already knew the answer, but maybe had not fully admitted it yet.”

Finally, Fiona is letting others in:

“Incredible timing for this email!

I've recently realized I need to give up being stubbornly independent, particularly when it comes to accepting help and emotional support from my family.

I've always had trouble letting people in, letting people love me, etc., seeing it as a sign of weakness when, in reality, I'm sure it has more to do with not loving myself, fearing that if I show vulnerability, I'll be hurt/disappointed/rejected by them.

But, as my mental health has continued to decline, largely due to this self-imposed isolation, I know the time has come to put that aside, let them help, and let them love me.

So, in a few weeks, I will be moving in with my mom while I also get professional help for the issues I'm dealing with. Being in my fifties, feelings of being a failure, that I should have it all figured out by now, have been coming up, but I know deep down that those are coming from external messaging and that, for me, this is the best move I can make at this time.

I'm letting go so I can let in.”

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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