Do I Have to Keep Housing My Slovenly, Unemployed Brother-in-Law?For the past three years, my partner’s brother — whom I’ll call my brother-in-law — has lived with us after serious personal and legal turmoil. A former education worker, he was convicted in a case based on accusations he still denies, and he remains subject to restrictions. He lost his full-time job and was unemployed for more than a year. He then lost another job after violating parole. He is unemployed again and has only recently begun applying for jobs consistently. He has been unemployed for about two-thirds of the time he has lived with us, yet he has taken on little housework. He watches the dogs while my partner and I are at work. That’s helpful because we both work long hours, but he considers the dogs our responsibility as soon as either of us gets home, and caring for them is essentially his only household contribution. Most days I come home to dishes in the sink, a kitchen left dirty after he cooks and trash around the house. He does none of the routine cleaning. His legal status has also drawn unwanted attention from neighbors, and supporting him has pushed my partner into substantial credit card debt. I often ask my partner to speak with him, and their parents have intervened as well. My brother-in-law responds that we expect him to do “all” of the housework and that my partner is being “mean to him.” He may take on one or two tasks for a week, but then he stops. The situation is straining my relationship with my partner. I know it is unfair to place all responsibility for managing my brother-in-law on my partner. Still, if one of my siblings were living with us, I would feel responsible for addressing the problem on my partner’s behalf. My partner agrees that the arrangement is unsustainable, but he has taken no meaningful steps to change it, partly because he is rarely home. I have told him I am nearing the point where I can no longer live this way. He says that if forced to choose between our relationship and his brother, he would choose me. I have asked him to speak with his family about other arrangements, but no one is willing or able to take his brother in. I feel that I have been left with a burden the rest of the family has avoided. How much obligation do I have to ensure he has stable housing at the expense of my home, my relationship and my peace? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: Your brother-in-law is responsible for his own life. You and your partner have done him a considerable favor by housing him for three years, and you are entitled to ask him to move out if that’s what you and your partner choose. (Even a family member not paying rent has legal rights, so I’d confer with a lawyer in advance; generally speaking, if someone is living with you, you can’t just change the locks on them.) The fact that your partner isn’t willing to take the initiative, though, leaves the outcome largely to you. You shouldn’t have to tell an adult to wash his own dishes or pick up his laundry. Your brother-in-law’s habit of taking on responsibilities only briefly indicates selfishness and disrespect. You can tell him, in plain and specific language, that his conduct is unacceptable and that, if he wants to remain in your home, he’ll have to change his ways immediately and permanently. If he doesn’t, you will have a straightforward cause for asking him to leave. But perhaps the problem runs deeper than housework, deeper even than the financial costs he’s imposing. It seems that you and your partner have little time together, and you may no longer want to spend it with another adult underfoot. If that’s the case, you should simply ask your brother-in-law to find somewhere else to live, giving him reasonable notice. Your partner might then ask the family to contribute to the costs of the relocation. Let me add that your partner is jointly responsible for your shared home. His assurance that, given an ultimatum, he’d “choose you” isn’t a substitute for taking real steps to address your unhappiness and support your relationship. Thoughts? If you would like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other readers in the next newsletter, fill out this form.
Readers RespondThe previous question was from a reader who felt torn between personal and professional obligations. She wrote: Early in my career, a good friend recommended me to her company. She was not the hiring manager, but her recommendation helped me get a job that I held happily and successfully for more than a decade, laying the foundation for my current position at a prestigious firm. She was eventually let go. From what co-workers said and what I knew of her work, I believed her performance had fallen short and that efforts to improve it had failed. … She later found another job and remained there for many years. She has now been let go again and has asked me for job leads. I am in a position to help and might even be able to get her work with my current employer. The problem is that I am not confident she would meet our standards. … Should I help her and hope for the best? — Name Withheld In his response, the Ethicist noted: Given what you know about your friend, could you write her a truthful recommendation that might help her get a job? If not, you shouldn’t write a misleading one that would. … Your sense of obligation is understandable. She gave you your start in the business. But surely she didn’t do so by concealing serious doubts about your abilities. You can still be helpful in other ways. You might review her résumé, pass along public job leads or introduce her to people, without hiding the fact that she’s a friend and without offering an endorsement of her work. As for your own place of employment: You do not need to invent a lack of openings. You can truthfully say that you are not in a position to get her a job there for which she is suited. What would be unkind is landing her a job in which she is likely to struggle, while leaving you and your colleagues to deal with the consequences. (Reread the full question and answer here.) ⬥ I think the Ethicist got this one wrong. The letter writer is making assumptions about her friend’s capabilities based off feedback she received many years ago. The fact that her friend was able to hold on to a subsequent job for many years afterward should be a good indication that she is perhaps worthy of being, and remaining, employed. Being let go from a job is not necessarily an indication of poor performance. And the writer owes this friend a huge favor for setting her on a great path at the beginning of her career. The least she could do is refer her friend and let the hiring process take its due course. — Feyi ⬥ I am also in my mid-50s, and twice in my life I hired close friends who I knew were very capable but underperformed while under my direct supervision. I will never make that mistake again, no matter what. The friendships are no longer. Help your friend by reviewing her résumé, passing along public job leads or introducing her to people, without hiding the fact that she’s a friend and without offering an endorsement of her work. — Jorge ⬥ The real question is: How do I help a dear friend? Helping a friend does not begin and end with recommending her for the job she wants. It begins with understanding what she is genuinely good at. One should never recommend someone for a position if one genuinely believes they are unlikely to succeed. That serves neither the employer nor the friend. But refusing to make a bad recommendation is only the beginning of one’s obligation. A true friend should ask, “Where can you thrive?” Then use every honest means — advice, introductions, coaching, networking and encouragement — to help make that happen. — Rumundaka ⬥ While helping your friend get a position at your firm would certainly not be the wisest thing to do, I think you could provide assistance to her in other ways. You could invite her to coffee and have an honest discussion about her work history. Tell her that in order to help her, you’d like to know her views about why she has had to “move on” from position to position. You may also opt to tell her (kindly) what you’ve heard from others about her work-related difficulties. Try to understand her perspective, but be honest about what you think, in terms of her charting a way forward for herself. You may learn something about her that you didn’t know. — Cynthia ⬥ I would let the friend know that I can connect her to others who have openings, but I cannot “recommend” her since I don’t know much about her qualifications for the jobs. I would also let others know I have a friend who is looking for a position, but that I am not recommending her one way or the other since I don’t know her work history. The letter writer actually has no idea one way or the other about her friend’s current qualifications, and I am not sure making a reference based on her experiences with this person from over 10 years ago is fair. So, you help her get connected — as any friend would do — but you do not help her get the job. — Brad
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