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A PLAY IN ONE ACT, INSPIRED BY A RECENT CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY DEMOCRAT
DEMOCRATIC PARTY OPERATIVE: Ignore the pundits! They’re nothing but cheap-seat warmers and Monday-morning quarterbacks. We’re the ones with experience, we’re the MAN IN THE ARENA. And we know how to win!
NORMAL-ASS PERSON: Sounds reasonable. What’s your record?
DPO: We win approximately half of all elections!
NAP: Wow, impressive. How many parties are there?
DPO: Two.
NAP: …
DPO: …
NAP: So, then, the other party wins the other half of all elections?
DPO: Yes, that’s right.
NAP: Hmmm, I guess .500 makes sense, since presumably after you win, your opponents recalibrate, try to become more broadly appealing, and vice versa?
DPO: They’ve been growing increasingly more extreme for decades.
NAP: Well, it’s still pretty impressive, especially if they dramatically outspend you?
DPO: We’ve had a consistent fundraising advantage for 20 years.
NAP: Oh.
DPO: Yes, quite!
NAP: I gather, then, that your strength lies in your ability to sell policies that are somewhat radical; you win on principle over popularity?
DPO: Our policies are much more popular than the other party’s policies.
NAP: Are you simply alien to people on a values level? Maybe you’re out of step with the culture…
DPO: Almost all the country’s major celebrities vote for us.
NAP: It must be the news media, then. It must have a bias for the other party.
DPO: Au contraire! Most people say the media’s got a bias for our party.
NAP: I’m sorry, I’m beginning to think you might not really know what you’re doing.
DPO: But we’re up HUGE in the polls right now, on a disciplined kitchen-table issues message.
NAP: And what was your message last time, when you lost?
DPO: The exact same thing.
NAP: Doesn’t it seem like it might not be doing much work?
DPO: Nonsense. I’ve won 14 campaigns this way!
NAP: And how many have you lost?
DPO: Only a pundit would ask a stupid question like that.