Raising a kid is a monumental job that generates thousands of questions for those entrusted with the task. Although that towering stack of books makes it seem like you need a PhD in parenting to do it “right,” good parenting actually boils down to a few simple core elements.
“What all kids need is both warmth and limits,” says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, psychologist and author of Kid Confidence. “And one without the other isn’t going to cut it.”
1. Keep the relationship at the center
“If they know even at their worst—whether they’re angry and yelling, or upset, or disobedient—that you will not change the relationship you have with them, that’s a huge motivator for them to behave in self-enhancing ways and to self-actualize,” says Brenna Hicks, PhD, registered play therapist, licensed mental health counselor, and host of the Play Therapy Parenting podcast.
Choose structures that uphold the long-term preservation of your relationship. That may look like walking away or giving yourself a five-minute break in the bathroom, she says. Or offering a hug and saying nothing.
2. Promote their sense of self
To instill self-sufficiency as they grow into adulthood, you have to first support a child’s sense of self, says Emily Edlynn, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting.
“It means tuning in to who your child is, what ignites them and excites them, and supporting that, rather than imposing your own idea of who they should be,” Edlynn says.
When a child feels like they can be all of who they are around you, they might be more likely to open up to you about choices they regret, for example.
3. Strive for your best, and repair when you goof
No one behavior is going to decide what kind of parent you are, says Kennedy-Moore. Most parents swing from authoritarian to permissive to authoritative parenting and back, sometimes several times in a day. What really matters is the overall balance.
“Our screw-ups are also part of teaching kids how to be in relationships,” says Kennedy-Moore. “What do you do when you’re angry with someone? What do you do when you’re feeling guilty about something? It shows them the tenderness that we hope that they will have, the empathy that we hope that they will learn and cultivate. Love means trying again.”
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